Read the following passage and mark the letter a, b, c, or d to indicate the correct word or phrase that best fits each of the numbered blanks
Parental disapproval of partners adds zing to romantic comedies, but off-screen it’s often far from funny. Here’s what’s likely going on and ways to cope.
“When I first met Stu, I was not quite sold. He seemed unattractive. He lacked intelligence and imagination. He was missing the spark you look for in a man.” Father of the bride’s wedding speech — “The Hangover Part 2.”
Parental dislike of a significant other or spouse can be blunt, subtle, or passive-aggressive. And it can wreak havoc in relationships — if given the chance.
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One study suggests that parental disapproval does strain partnerships.
Before you react, it can be helpful to pause and take stock of your situation. Once you know exactly what’s going on, you can be better prepared to choose your response.
It’s important to note different parental objections would likely call for nuanced means to engage and respond. For example, personality or political differences of opinion are areas time and openness on both sides might overcome, but issues due to intolerance or prejudice may require a more in-depth sit-down with your parent.
If your parent suspects abuse, you or you and them together might want to get an outside perspective from a clinical expert.
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They only invite you — not your partner — to family events
Exclusion doesn’t have to be direct. Refusing to accommodate is one form of exclusion. In this vein, your parents leaving when your partner arrives or dropping by when they know they’ll be gone may be indicators of avoidance.
They don’t want to hear why your partner is so great
They’d rather talk about the handsome, smart guy your sister’s marrying. Or they remind you of how well your ex is doing since he moved to Florida. Good qualities you mention can be redirected to other topics.
If you say your partner works hard, your parent might sigh and talk about how lonely it must get for you with a partner always working. Sometimes their praise of you is backhanded criticism of your spouse. As in, “it’s lucky your kids have one parent who puts them first.”
They criticize your partner directly
Unproductive or incompassionate critiques can run the gamut from your partner not fitting in with the larger group, to socializing too much, to just not being right for you.
The negativity bias also breeds more negativity and makes it hard for a parent to find something likeable about their adult child’s partner.
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Sometimes the criticisms will involve veiled or direct homophobia or racism. These actions are embedded in intolerance and black and white thinking and are far more serious.
A 2015 study of parental disapproval of gay and lesbian relationships shows the strain prejudice can cause. Some respondents sought solace and romantic relationship strengthening by separating themselves from their parents.
Losing a relationship with you is likely not your parent’s goal. If racism or homophobia is involved, you may want to consider sitting down and “talking about prejudice with your parents.”
Hidden reasons for disapprovalYour parents may have their own issues and fears about relationships which show themselves in passive-aggressive behavior about yours.
They say they’re worried about you — sometimes for genuine reasons, other times not
Your parents may say your significant other is controlling, untrustworthy, or not good for ‘us.’
They might just be feeling left out. Or this could be a sign of your parents being enmeshed with your day-to-day life.
There’s also a chance that they see red flags you don’t. If there’s a chance they’re on to something, you can reflect and do some introspection to see if you’re in a controlling relationship and don’t know it.
What to do when parents disapprove of a relationship?
Whether it’s your parents who are off base or you need to do some relationship tweaking to set boundaries or expectations between you and your partner, here are some pointers to you can consider to help maintain the peace in the interim.
